February

February. Oh February. I cannot wait to see the back of you. You have given me some of the best, and worst, memories and feelings of my whole entire life. I don't know what to make of you if I am honest.

February has been an interesting one and yes, I do realise it is not yet over! But since the very beginning of February my life has taken twists and turns that have thrown me into emotional storms and spat me back out again. 

Don't get me wrong. I have had an absolute blast. I have had plenty of stupidly drunk nights, I've travelled to Amsterdam with some of the best people and experienced things that I never thought I would. But it hasn't all been pretty. I've learnt that people aren't always who they seem and to not let my guard down easily to those I think I can trust. 

Throwback to a month ago and I would have never imagined any of these things happening. I've let my guard down more than I should have but regret absolutely nothing, surprisingly. At the end of the day, I believe everything happens for a reason. If things are meant to be, they will be. You can't change fate for anyone unfortunately. And if that means people treating me like an absolute fool, I guess I'll take it. 

The end of January saw a change in my ordinary manner. I let my guard down for someone I thought dearly of, and then did it again and again and again. Truth is, I'll pretty much do anything for the people I care for and think highly of. I'm an emotional person and I get attached to those who show affection and care. It had been a while since anyone had shown me that amount of affection and sincerity and I fell pretty much instantly. 

Things haven't turned out how I wished. But it's just another learning curve, right? Once again, my favourite quote comes into play: 

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” - Marilyn Monroe

This quote could not be more appropriate right now. I think I need to have it printed on my wall, just to remind me each day!

Why so serious?

I am often told that I look 'too serious'. Apparently I walk around looking rather disgruntled and upset. The actual reason behind my serious appearance is that I'm deep in thought. 

I spend the majority of my days day dreaming: imagining situations, thinking about people and dwelling on past events. I often find myself lost in thought mid conversation with people, causing myself to look rather ignorant. 

I am one of those people who think way too much about things. I over-think everything: people's messages, behaviours and actions. For some strange reason my mind wants me to believe that a month of talking and flirtatious behaviour means someone actually likes me. When in fact it means nothing of the sort...apparently. 

The reason behind my thoughts is that I care far too much. I believe that the people who flood my mind are the people I deeply care for. I fear that one day, the people who fill my mind with emotion, won't be there in the future to drown my conscious self with the feelings I feel now. 

One minute, I will be completely focused in a lecture. The next, I'm causing my eyes to burn with emotion through the thought of an action. "But how do they feel?" "Do they feel the same?" "Why did they do that?" Every question has a million and one answers. 

My mind disallows me to believe what I feel is right. Every possible solution or answer has a loop hole: nothing is ever simple. 

But don't get me wrong. My jungle of a mind can sometimes create positive thoughts which stay with me. I wake up from dreams and smile as if reality is somewhat more bearable. Sometimes my thought make the see the best in people, "perhaps they aren't as bad as they once seemed?".

At the end of the day, people aren't always what they seem. Your mind can convince you that they are the complete opposite of who they truly are. They can act like a total idiot to you and you still think the sun shines out their arse (pardon my French)Trust me, it has happened to me. 

But the main thing is to try and stay true to who you are. If someone cannot make the effort to be in your life, they do not deserve to be a part of it. Do not change yourself and alter your life for them. Simple.